My response to the question, How Do I Nicely Ask A Mate With Learning Disabilities To Not Shout At Me? is a reminder to use good communication skills.
Some people are accustomed to speaking loud as their normal tone, without realizing it is too loud for present circumstances. Gently and with kindness tell him/her that your ears are sensitive and could they please talk more softly. His/her reaction to this request will give you insight into why he/she is talking at that tone. If he/she is readily compliant, it might only last for a few minutes and his/her tone will go back to the higher tone. It is a habit. In which case, you can tell him/her you would like to use a silent gesture to remind him/her he/she is talking too loud. One good technique to remind him/her that his/her voice has elevated is using a downward motion with your hand. Or point to your ear. Agree on these silent gestures before using them.
Another reason many people use a loud speaking tone is their desire to be heard. The majority of people fail to acknowledge their understanding during the conversation. Everyone from the youngest child to the oldest adult desires to be H-E-A-R-D. You don’t need to agree with the person, however, you can acknowledge you heard and understand his/her thoughts and feelings.
The majority of people ‘talk at’ rather than ‘talking with’ each other.
‘Talking at’ typically sounds like this:
Person 1: “I don’t like spinach.”
Person 2: You need to eat spinach. Spinach is the healthiest food on the planet. Spinach is an excellent source of vitamin K, vitamin A (in the form of carotenoids),manganese, folate, magnesium, iron, copper, vitamin B2, vitamin B6, vitamin E,calcium, potassium and vitamin C. It is a very good source of dietary fiber,phosphorus, vitamin B1, zinc, protein and choline.
Person 1: I don’t care about that. I hate spinach.
Person 2: You need to eat it for the vitamins. You know the old saying, ‘Eat your spinach, it is good for you.’
‘Talking with’ typically sounds like this:
Person 1: “I don’t like spinach.”
Person 2: Oh. What about spinach don’t you like?
Person 1: It’s too slick and mushy. Sometimes there is a stem I have to pull off.
Person 2: I agree. I don’t like slick and mushy spinach either. I don’t eat canned spinach, it is the most slick/mushy. I prefer spinach cooked al dente (barely cooked) with a drizzle of vinegar. Maybe you would like to eat spinach cooked that way or eat it raw. Spinach is chocked full of a long list of vitamins and minerals. If you’d like to experiment, I’ll fix my famous spinach for you sometime.
Person 1: I will give it a go. Don’t expect me to like it though.
Person 2: I understand. No, requirement.
Notice the ‘talking with’ engaged the person at a deeper level and at the same time indicates one is truly interested in what he/she said.
When people are H-E-A-R-D, the conversation is enriching, and satisfying. Here is an easy formula to ‘talk with’ people. Both the speaker and the listener are responsible for using this formula. Each person needs to take 100% responsibility to ‘talk with’ each other.
Speaker initiates the conversation and Identifies the ‘topic’ i.e. spinach.
Listener asks questions or speaker invites listener to ask questions to confirm the topic is well defined. i.e. I don’t like spinach because…… Or Listener – What don’t you like about spinach?
Listener Paraphrases what the listener has understood the speaker has said. “You don’t like spinach because……” Speaker invites listener to paraphrase. Paraphrasing confirms the listener has heard the statement perfectly. Paraphrasing is critical because…..”What you don’t know is that you understood what I said, but what you don’t know is, I didn’t say what I wanted to say.”
Listen to the feelings behind the words. Listener reflects unspoken feelings. “Oh, you seem frustrated about needing to pull the stem off.” Speaker expresses feelings as appropriate.
Avoid talking about more than one topic at the same time. Put closure to the first topic before introducing another topic as appropriate.
Seeing these 5 points in writing, it all seems complicated. However, once you are adept at using the formula you will discover misunderstanding is reduced 99%. Both parties will believe she/he has been understood, acknowledged and thus, H-E-A-R-D. Agreement isn’t the point, being H-E-A-R-D is.
I am here only to be truly helpful. If you have questions contact me. I look forward to hearing your questions. Create a wonderful day.Reblogged 6 months ago from spiritualnetworks.com